Always Be Nice To Whoever Your Child Brings Home For You Never Know Who They Might Marry

I hate my mother-in-law. Truly I think she is the damn devil for many reasons. Yesterday was my birthday, and so I got a birthday card from her in the mail and didn't even bother opening it because..well, I hate her. So when I finally opened the card, I just glanced at it briefly and noticed there was a personal message inside. After being with my husband for 10 of the longest years of my life and giving birth to 3 kids, the woman wrote me a note basically saying she didn't know why I didn't like her (bullshit!) and that she was sorry "for whatever she had done to me."
I threw the card in the trash can...but not before I called up my friend Michelle and read her the whole message in the requested country accent.
Now I will admit that I can hold a grudge like no other if I feel like I've been wronged or if I just flat out hate your ass. Ask Jimmy, I've gone weeks without speaking to him after a fight and we live in the same house. The whole crap of forgive and forget? I don't. I may lie to you and tell you that I do but I really don't.
So perhaps you're wondering why I hate mama's fat ass. I will only go over the highlighted stuff since I could sit here writing all day long. How about I start off the first time I met her? First of all, Jimmy in his infinite wisdom decided I needed to drive to North Carolina on the day before Thanksgiving to meet his entire family for the first time. Just one thing - he failed to mention to them that I'm half-black...for he didn't know what they would say. Now rather than have a "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" moment with a bunch of country white people, I told him that there was no way in hell I was going to drive up there unless he told them before I arrived and so he did. I would have loved to have been there for it. It would have been amazing. So I arrived and still got that, "Holy crap, there's a colored person in my house!" look. And then got grilled about my whole life and religious background. It was great and I obviously answered every question wrong. But things weren't horrible and I went to sleep that night thinking that the next day could not possibly get any worse. I was so damn wrong.
I woke up to a truck picking up a gigantic block of freshly picked cotton (told you they were country!). Things were fairly normal for the most part until mama went to her room got a newspaper clipping and handed it to Jimmy saying, "I cried when I saw this." Curious, I glanced over at it and saw it was a wedding announcement...for Jimmy's ex-girlfriend.
Strike one.
I was actually too shocked to say a word, so I just didn't.
Then the day continued and mama mentioned that she got called for jury duty and didn't want to do it because it was probably some drug dealer and "lord knew that he was just a no good n-word." Except she actually said the whole word and my mouth and Jimmy's fell open in shock. Jimmy was horrified and rightfully so. Meanwhile, I felt like I was trapped in an episode of the Twilight Zone and died laughing. And before she could even say it, I said, "Please don't say that white people can be n-words too, cause they just can't." She looked at me and said, "I'm not racist." I couldn't help it I had to say, "Because you have friends that are black, right?"
Strike two.
And it was then that I decided to leave early for I did not want to find out what foul shit would come out of her mouth next. But I didn't leave soon enough for we ate dinner and as I was eating my collards, mama looked at me and said, "Do you want some vi-nigger for your collards." I choked on my food and looked at her and said, "I believe it's pronounced vinegar" and went back to eating. Freudian slip? I think so!
Strike three.
All of this happened the very first time I met Jimmy's family I shit you not and over the years it has just gotten better and better. There's fact that she use to sit me at the kids table during the holidays, or if we went anywhere to eat and she would push me out of the way so she could sit next to Precious (aka Golden Child) or even better how she told everyone and their mother how it was just wrong that I was living in sin with Jimmy and how awful I was for it...cause you know I was f*cking myself and molesting Jimmy. I will say I did get fed up with her telling everyone about it and finally said, "Listen I don't particularly think it's right that you had a child at 15 but I've let it go." She really never said much to me after that - nor have I said much of anything to her.
And then I had three kids with Jimmy and decided my kids would be around that foulness as little as possible....and because I still hate her. And it has caused many fights between Jimmy and it's because his umbilical cord is still attached, but he picks and chooses his battles now and I simply take my iPad with me and ignore them all.
So moral of the story, people: always be nice to every trick, thug or whoever your child brings home for no matter how hard you pray, your child may just marry that person. And that person may just hold a grudge and you will never, ever, ever see your grand kids.